Ang hirap pala...

I was watching How to keep my Love over at Cinema 1. A korean film. Ang hirap pala yung pinipigil mong wag magselos at ipakita na di ka nasasaktan.

Ouch medyo nakakarelate ako. Yun tipong nakangiti ka kahit ngiting aso lang para lang mapagtakpan na nasasaktan ka.

Ang lungkot...ng movie...

Habang nanonood ako madaming memories na nagflash sa mind ko.

Ang hirap pala magpretend na matapang ka kahit na deep inside nasasaktan ka na.

Nakakaiyak yung movie...kakainis naiiyak ako...

hayy...

At sa bandang huli hayy sila pa rin ang nagkatuluyan kahit na may naging babae pa sa pagitan nila..

I love happy endings... pero naiyak ako nun ha... T_T

Dreaming of my Secret Garden

I'm dreaming of having my very own "Secret Garden" someday.

A place for retreat and relaxation.

I imagine by garden filled with flowers. Lots of flowers...

And in the middle of the garden, there's a small fountain.

I can see it now...

I see myself sitting on a bench while my eyes gaze around the garden...

I can hear the birds chirping... The relaxing sound of water flowing through the fountain...

Is it ok if I call you mine?

A familiar tune plays at the background (actually I'm just humming it in my mind) while I'm writing this post. "Is it okay if I call you mine..just for a time...and maybe I'll be just fine.."

It happened a month ago. It was just a harmless agreement at first.

No commitment kind of relationship... You just go out on a date and enjoy each other's company.

No big deal...

It was fun having someone around whom you could share your thoughts...your ideas...your dreams...

I like the feeling of spending time with your "special someone". I was so happy then. We were happy then...Until the biggest shock of my life came...

I fell inlove with him... So what if I fell for him? There's nothing wrong with it...

Yeah for a normal type of relationship...it is a good thing to express your true feelings esp. if you're really inlove.

But for us, it was a definite no-no. Neither one of us can fall for each other.. We are trying to avoid...getting hurt... in the process.

I tried to suppress my feelings for this special guy. But the closer we get..the harder it is for me to stop myself from falling for him.

I kept myself busy with work hoping I would eventually forget about how I truly feel for this guy. But it didn't work...


Yesterday came and I decided to let him know how I truly feel. I took the risk. Even if it means losing him in the end.


I decided to put an end to our so called relationship to avoid further emotional damage...

He took it cooly though... I thought he would tell me to atleast reconsider... but he didn't. And it broke my heart...


I wake up this morning feeling a little sore maybe because of all the work I did over the weekend...

And slowly...my tears began to fall...

I felt it again... the feeling of losing someone you treasure the most.

I feel so lonely... I hate to admit it but I miss him so much...

He will always be remembered...

His smile... the way he walks... the way he looks at me ...

the sound of his sweet voice...calling out my name..

If you're reading this right now... I want you to know that you will always be special to me...

Thank you so much for making me feel so loved...and so special...

I treasure every moment I spent with you...

I really wish someday you would finally meet your one true love... If you, do please don't let her go.. fight for your love...

If you need a friend I'll always be here...just like the old times...

Lovers Concerto a.k.a Friends and Lovers

Last night I saw this movie over at Cinema One (cable channel in the Philippines). Its a real tearjerker. Highly recommended for those who love watching drama movies.

The film opens with Ji-hwan opening a handmade letter from an unidentified person. It has no address or name written on it. Inside, is a black-and-white photo of happy children playing with words written on the side. We learn that he has been receiving several of these for some time.
Flash back to five years earlier. Ji-hwan is a literature undergraduate who works at a cafe owned by his senior. His hobby is photography. He tests his speed at putting together his camera and manages to beat his previous record. Looking into his viewfinder, he glimpses a beautiful face. As he attempts to take a picture of this girl smelling a rose, another girl, Gyung-hee, accidently walks into the frame. She apologises for spoiling his shot. Then she and her friend, Soo-in, the one whom he saw earlier, sit at the cafe to eat. Ji-hwan watches them, having fallen in love with Soo-in at first sight.
The pair eventually leave the cafe. On a whim, Ji-hwan chases after their taxi on his bicycle. Gyung-hee feels hungry despite having eaten so recently so they stop at another cafe. Ji-hwan musters up his courage to confess his love to Soo-in. Gyung-hee is amused but Soo-in tells Ji-hwan that he is making her uncomfortable. Disappointed, Ji-hwan leaves the cafe but stops when he sees a clock shop. The girls are still in the cafe when they receive a note from a waiter. They turn and see Ji-hwan in the window, holding a clock in front of his face. They read the note. In it Ji-hwan says that he has turned the clock back by one hour and asks them to forget his love confession. But he hopes that the next time they meet, they will be friends. They yell their names to each other and then Ji-hwan runs off shyly, with the girls amused at his child-like antics.
Ji-hwan is watching a soccer match between Japan and South Korea. The two girls appear and ask to join him. During the match, Ji-hwan sneaks looks at Soo-in but is caught out by Gyung-hee. As the match heats up, the trio become increasingly excited and when South Korea wins, they give each other high fives. Their friendship is now sealed.
Soo-in asks Gyung-hee to sleep over at her home. We learn that the two of them have been best friends since young. Gyung-hee is very energetic and outgoing. Soo-in is more reserved and shy. Soo-in is picking out clothes to give to Gyung-hee. When Gyung-hee protests, she says that she is losing weight although she does nothing. Gyung-hee tries to take her mind off this. They then have a conversation about kissing.
The next scenes are a montage of the trio's activities together and show them having a lot of fun. At a movie theater, they are watching Il Postino when Ji-hwan realises Soo-in is not enjoying the movie. He realises that the man sitting behind her has placed his foot on the back of her seat. Standing up, he asks the man to remove his foot. At first, the bully refuses and a fight seems imminent. Gyung-hee and Soo-in stand up to back Ji-hwan up. Upon a second request, the bully relents and moves to another seat. Ji-hwan sits back down and his shaking lets on just how afraid he was of the bully. The two girls are impressed. Onscreen, a male character says, "I'm in love. It hurts but I want it to go on hurting."
Soo-in recommends the movie to her parents. Staring dreamily into space, she recites the aforementioned lines. Similarly, Gyung-hee starts reciting the same lines while on a bus. Both girls are obviously falling for Ji-hwan.
In the present, Ji-hwan visits his senior at the cafe where he used to work. His senior passes him a box of Ji-hwan's old photos. Ji-hwan says that he has not seen the girls for years and describes how his memories of them faded away to the point that he could not tell whether they were a figment of his imagination. He opens the box and sees a photograph of the three of them.

Lover's Concerto
Flashback to the moment captured in the photograph. They are hanging out at the cafe. The girls are using personality tests in a magazine to find out his personality type. Ji-hwan leaves them to work on some errand. Gyung-hee tells Soo-in to go join him. When she is alone, she asks Ji-hwan for his blood type. Using this information, she looks up his predicted girlfriend type, which agrees with her personality type. Ji-hwan's senior joins her and she quickly hides the magazine. The two look out the window at Ji-hwan working happily with Soo-in and Ji-hwan's senior comments that Ji-hwan is extremely lucky for falling in love at first sight and having that love returned. Gyung-hee is hurt by this.
As Gyung-hee and Soo-in are walking home, they have a quarrel over Ji-hwan, ending of with Gyung-hee accusing Soo-in of always acting weak to get attention. Gyung-hee then storms off in a huff. Soo-in, extremely hurt, returns home alone and says that she too is confused about the situation. She hears a pebble thrown at her window, looks out and sees Gyung-hee looking repentant. Their friendship mended, they decide to join Ji-hwan on a road trip despite their parents' objections. Another set of scenes shows them thoroughly enjoying their trip.
On one of the nights in the tent, Soo-in watches Ji-hwan sleeping. She brings her hand to caress a mole on his ear. Later, the same night, Ji-hwan wakes up to find Soo-in missing. Gyung-hee is sucking her thumb in her sleep. Ji-hwan gets the urge to kiss her but stops at the last moment. He is very perplexed about his emotions.
In the morning, he finds Soo-in and they share stories about their first loves. Soo-in relates how she used to stay in a hospital when she was young. While there, she met a boy who was very sick but never complained about his condition. Instead, he took the opportunity to make mischief whenever he could. One time, he played a trick on the nurses and hid in her room. They became fast friends after that. Soo-in told everyone to call her by the boy's name in the belief that if she had his name, he would never truly leave her.
The trio sit on a hill watching the beautiful scenery. Gyung-hee comments that it would look very beautiful in winter. They make a pact to return in winter time. It starts raining. Soo-in is very very cold and the others try to warm her up but she asks to stay a little longer. Ji-hwan carries her on her back and runs down the slope. They bring her to a hotel for her to recover from her cold. As Ji-hwan and Gyung-hee sit together on the balcony, Gyung-hee starts crying. She then scolds Ji-hwan for being uncomfortable due to her crying and kicks his legs until he has to trap her feet with his legs. The two of them kiss tentatively.
They return to Seoul. Ji-hwan and Gyung-hee are out together. Ji-hwan asks about Soo-in and Gyung-hee tells him that she is still in bed recovering. Ji-hwan makes the comment that being alone with Gyung-hee feels weird, almost like a date. Gyung-hee turns very moody and decides to go to a bar. She drinks a lot and when Ji-hwan tries to stop her, she scolds him, telling him that he shouldn't control her since he is not her boyfriend. She leaves in a taxi.
Gyung-hee and Soo-in meet Ji-hwan at a party held at the cafe. Soo-in is still having a cold. She goes to sing a song about the two people she loves most in the world, Ji-hwan and Gyung-hee. Ji-hwan and Gyung-hee are uncomfortable with each other. After the song, Soo-in decides to leave early and asks Ji-hwan to walk her out. She asks him to close his eyes, then proceeds to feel his face, memorising its shape. Then she goes home.
Ji-hwan writes a letter to Soo-in, confessing that he is in love with Gyung-hee. Gyung-hee interrupts him and he quickly hides the letter. He walks her out and gives her the letter, telling her to pass it to Soo-in and not to read it. Gyung-hee takes it reluctantly. She tells him to go before she gets into the taxi. Then, she slowly opens the letter, stops and then tears it up.
Gyung-hee visits Soo-in in the intensive care unit. Soo-in reads out a letter that she wrote to Gyung-hee. In it she tells Gyung-hee how she has been brave while receiving two injections and undergoing hemodialysis. Gyung-hee, with tearing eyes, asks her to stop and reads the rest of the letter herself. Soo-in gives Gyung-hee a sealed letter to be given to Ji-hwan.
Ji-hwan receives a call and meets Gyung-hee at a bar. He asks about Gyung-hee's bandaged hand and about Soo-in. Gyung-hee tells him that the two of them have become uncomfortable around him. He agrees and tells her to leave if she has nothing else to say. Hours later, he stumbles out of the bar and falls in the snow. He punches the ground in anger and passes out. The next day, he finds himself in his room, with his hand bandaged.
In the present, Ji-hwan decides to search for the two girls. He visits their old high school and talks to a teacher who was also their old schoolmate. She tells him how they were envied and pitied by the whole school. They always missed classes because they were both very sick. Soo-in left Seoul and Gyung-hee died. Ji-hwan is shocked but decides to look for Soo-in.
He traces the letter he received to the location where the photo was taken. He hears his name called and turns around to find some children calling a dog. He smiles and greets the children.
A neighbour calls to a girl, telling her that they found Ji-hwan and she says," That's good." The camera reveals that it is Gyung-hee (Lee Eun Joo). She has lost a lot of weight and acts less lively, subdued even. She pushes her latest photograph into a handmade envelope and slips it under her bed.
Flashback to Soo-in's story about her first love. The little boy that she fell in love has grown long hair and is actually a girl, who becomes her best friend. The two girls exchange names so that they can always be together. Therefore, Soo-in's real name is Gyung-hee and vice versa. But when they enter high school, the two of them have to use their official names which is why the teacher told Ji-hwan that Gyung-hee (Son Ye-Jin) died.
Gyung-hee walks out to find her dog, Ji-hwan. Instead, she finds the real Ji-hwan playing with the children. He sees her and walks towards her. In a very touching scene, he reaches out his hand and caresses her face and she does the same to him. The little tykes tease Gyung-hee for having a boyfriend, causing Ji-hwan to carry her on his back and run away from them.
At Ji-hwan's seniors wedding, the couple are congratulated for having found each other again. They take a photo together.
Ji-hwan opens a sealed letter. It is the one from Soo-in (Son Ye-Jin) that never made its way to him. In it, she says that she knows that he is in love with Gyung-hee and wishes them the best. She includes some tips on how handle Gyung-hee. Then she says that she may be going to a very far off place but she will carry the memory of them with her.
Flashblack to Soo-in, looking very weak, tells Gyung-hee that she loves her. Gyung-hee replies that she loves Soo-in back. Soo-in then passes away. Upon discovering Soo-in's death, Gyung-hee climbs into the bed and pulls the covers over the both of them. Later at Soo-in's funeral, she takes down the clock, smashes open the glass face and turns back the hands of the clock with her own bloodied hands, all the while crying uncontrollably.
Flashback to Gyung-hee treating and bandaging the unconscious Ji-hwan's hand. She kisses him and then leaves.
Ji-hwan opens up another letter. This time it's from Gyung-hee. She confesses that she tore up his letter to Soo-in and is relieved now that she has gotten rid of that burden. She thanks him for his kindness and passing on the love of photography to her. She thanks him for accepting her awkward kiss a long time ago. Then she says that she has been feeling very weak (Ji-hwan is crying by this time). We see Gyung-hee wiping away some blood from her nose. As the camera pans to the beautiful blue sky, her voiceover says that she will be seeing Soo-in soon. "Goodbye Ji-hwan. I loved you before and I love you now. Goodbye."
The last scene is the three of them in happier times, taking a photograph.

Side story
Ji-hwan's sister is in love with a boy who works at a book rental. She says that he probably likes her too since he is always eager to recommend romance novels to her. She brings Ji-hwan to the bookstore, passing him off as her boyfriend. While Ji-hwan distracts her object of affection, she measure his shoulders. Much later on, Ji-hwan finds her crying inside her cupboard. She tells him that the boy is entering the army. On his last day at the bookshop, the boy gives her a list of recommendations and tells her that he is leaving. She wishes him luck and leaves the book store, crying. At the end of the movie, she sends him a letter saying that she misses him. He smiles and tucks away the letter behind his photograph of her.

A Walk in the Streets of Carriedo

Thursday...

Nagmamadali akong sumakay ng MRT para makahabol sa NBI sa may Carriedo. First time ko pupunta sa lugar na yun. Magkahalong kaba at excitement ang nafifeel ko. Kaba kasi first time ko saka natatakot ako dahil di ko nman kabisado yung lugar.

Pagbaba ko ng MRT Taft Station lumipat agad ako sa LRT Station Pagbaba ko ng LRT Station Carriedo dahan dahan akong bumaba ng hagdan. Palinga linga pa ako sa paligid. Kinakabahan na baka may biglang humablot ng bag ko.

Piling tao lang ang tinanungan ko for directions. Sa wakas nakarating na rin ako sa NBI Carriedo.

Grabe di ko makakalimutan yun. Pakiramdam ko nung araw na yun para akong taga province na bagogn salta ng Manila.

Atleast ngayon alam ko na ang itsura ng Carriedo...

We Belong

We Belong
Toni Gonzaga

I've tried to tell you
So many times this feelings of mine
But it's not that easy
Letting you know
How i love you so

*complete me, you complete me
I've never felt this way
Complete me, you complete me
Like words and melody

Don't you know that we both belong, baby
Don't you know that we will last forever
Don't you know that we both belongI knew it from the start

Hoping that someday
For that hello, just a simple hello
And maybe tomorrow
I'm the reason you'll smile
And you make my day

*repeat**

don't you know that we both belong, baby
Don't you know that we will last forever
Don't you know that we both belongI knew it from the start
We belong

Bridge:

Together, youre my shelter in the pouring rain
I just hope that you will see
You and me we belong
**repeat

Just an ordinary day...like any other day

Tuesday... another working day

I feel kinda' lazy to work right now. Maybe because I just got back from vacation hehe ^_^

These past few days I've been thinking...reflecting on what have I accomplished...my dreams...

I want to have my own house.

I want to work abroad...

I want to have a career in IT...

I have so many dreams... so little time...

And I don't even know where to start.

Which path to take?

Right now... I'm still confused whether to leave or stay...

If I leave I'm not sure if I'll be able to start a career on IT.

If I don't take the risk... I won't be able to move on... *sigh*

Longing for love...

My previous relationships failed leaving me heartbroken, confused and lonely.

All these years... I've been searching for someone to love me for what I really am. To love me completely...

It makes me wonder why it failed. Was is because all those years I've been struggling to make my relationship work because I fear I might lose him and end up alone and miserable?

"Yes".

I knew all along that it is bound to fail but still my hopes of making it work prevailed. I kept struggling to make it work. I ignored all the signs. Hoping it might just work... with a little push.

And now here I am...alone again.

Why? because I kept searching for love.

My friends told me not to search for love. Just wait for it to come knocking at my door. But I don't have time to wait. The clock is ticking and I'm not getting any younger. Sad but true.

I dread the day that I would see myself living all alone by myself. I need a companion. A lifetime companion. I need someone to share my life with. My love... my sorrows...my happiness...

Others might say oh you're still young you'll find someone to love you someday.

For me the word "someday"...sounds so distant.

"You should learn to be patient...patience is a virtue. God gives the best to those who wait."

Waiting... even if it takes time...

I will teach myself to wait until the right time comes. Maybe this time, I might find the ONE I've been searching all these years.

Im so happy!

grabe! ang saya saya ko talaga. I was able to track down my long time crush. At ngayon friend ko na sya. Hayyy.. kung dati sana kinaibigan ko na sya e di ngayon sana long time friend ko na sya but that's ok ang mahala friend ko na sya ngayon. Ang saya!. I hope this will be a good motivation for me na magpapayat o diba reward ko na sa sarili ko na naging friends kami hehe :p

Senti Mood

Valentines day... single and dateless...but that's ok. I got a rose and a box of chocolates from my friends kaya feel ko na rin ang Valentines.


Ito yung mga panahong ang sarap balikan ng mga good memories. Minsan ang sarap isipin na sana kung pwede mo lang balikan yung time na masaya pa kayo... kasi namimiss mo sya... ng sobra.
Minsan gusto mo sabihin na "alam mo namimiss ko na yung dating samahan natin. yung mga biruan, kwentuhan, at mga tawanan".


Nakakalungkot lang kasi parang ang layo layo na ng ngayon sa noon. Mga bagay na impossible na maulit. Mga bagay na sana kung pwede lang balikan...


If the feeling is gone...

Isa sa mga hard to accept facts of life. Lalo na kapag naging super special nung tao sa buhay mo ... lalo na kapag minahal mo.

You have no choice but to move on with your life.

Oh well... those were the days...

Looking back...

Year 2006 na. Looking back sa year 2005, masasabi kong naging makulay ang taong yun para sa akin. Napakarami na ng mga nangyari. May masaya...may malungkot pero sa kabila ng lahat tuloy pa rin ang buhay para sa akin.

Minsan naiisip ko na sana mabigyan ako ng chance na makita ang future ko. Parang katulad sa pelikulang 13 going 30 or sa back to the future. Pero syempre wala ng thrill kapag nakita ko na diba. For curiousity's sake lang naman kaya gusto ko malaman kung ano meron sa future.

Natatakot kasi ako na baka puro kalungkutan lang ang future ko. Ang totoo nyan natatakot ako mabuhay ng mag isa. Kaya medyo pinaghahandaan ko na ang future ko. Ang sabi ko sa sarili ko kapag wala akong mabubuong pamilya balang araw, mag aalaga na lang ako ng orchids at aso para may kasama ako kahit na papaano and later on kapag established na ang buhay ko saka na lang ako mag aampon ng bata na aalagaan ko syempre yung baby pa lang ang aampunin ko para nman maranasan ko kung paano mag alaga ng baby kahit na di sa akin galing.

Madami rin ako hiniling noon kay Lord. Kadalasan ibinibigay nman nya. Pero minsan naiisip ko tama ba ang mga hiniling ko? Did I make the right decision? Ang alam ko lang when I made those decisions pinag isipan ko rin yun ng mabuti.

Mabuti pa si Gabo nakuha na nya ang gift na gusto nya. Ako kaya kailan? Minsan kapag naaalala ko ang mga nangyari sa akin di ko mapigil ang pagpatak ng mga luha ko. Nawawalan na ako ng pag asa. Ewan ko ba. Ngayon pa lang naiiyak na naman ako.

Alam ko di ako perpektong tao. Di rin naman ako masama. Marunong naman ako magmahal kahit nga walang kapalit ok lang basta napapasaya ko yung taong minamahal ko. Kaso laging palpak eh. Sablay. Siguro nga masyado akong naging serious sa mga past relationships ko. Kaya lang nman ako ganun kasi I want my relationships to last for a lifetime or even forever. Hayy ang buhay nga nman.

Di bale baka ngayong 2006 swertihin ako di man sa lovelife baka sa career. Pagbubutihin ko na lang ang trabaho ko para balang araw maabot ko rin ang ambitions ko.

Ang Pag-ibig Kong Ito

Moonstar 88

Umiiyak ang aking pusong nagdurusa

'yan ay ayaw kong may makakita

Kahit anong sakit ang aking naranasan

'yan ay ayaw kong kanyang malaman

Refrain

Mga araw na nagdaan

Kailan ma'y hindi malilimutan

Kay tamis na araw ng pagmamahalan

Ang akala ko'y walang hangganan

Chorus

Ang pag-ibig kong ito

Luha ang tanging nakamit buhat sa'yo

Kaya't sa maykapal tuwina'y dalangin ko

Sana'y...

[repeat all]

...kapalaran ko ay magbago

[repeat refrain]